First and foremost, despite being a generally happy and outgoing person in real life (whether I'm at home with my family or at work with my colleagues), I feel that there's something in my brain telling me something otherwise.
I've only experienced this strange feeling in me for the past few nights. Why now?
I don't know... I know for sure that I'm living a very happy life. Financially I'm taken care of, I know I work hard to make a living (and work at an entertaining place where I get paid decently), I'm living with some of the best families around and I got friends from around the world who continue to inspire me in what they do.
So what has been missing in my life? Why do I feel like something is 'Black and White' at the moment?
I think I'm at an age where I'm starting to seriously consider getting a partner and be in relationship, get married and have family and kids (I'm going to turn 27 this year). But hold on a minute Elson, didn't you say you enjoy the single life? I do. But just lately I've been thinking about stuff... And it's weird why I'm feeling a little 'bittersweet' at the moment.
Is it a male instinct to feel the need to be with that someone special, a girl whom you can share with them your love and care for years to come? Is my mind telling me that I have a body that can be used to share pleasure with that girl and tell them just how thankful I am to be their one? Am I feeling like I want to be a family man and have kids that I can be proud to share with my family and my partners?
Big words Elson, but easier said than done, yes.
Anyways that's how I felt for the past few nights. But the question again comes to mind - why now? And more importantly why do I feel bittersweet about it?
Well I just find myself picky with the person I want to be with. And to quickly sum it up, I find that the girls I like and admire are pretty much beyond my geographical reach.
In other words the girls I find attracted to are overseas and it's all discovered upon through my time spent working on special hobbies and projects online (whether it be on deviantART, Youtube, Sonic community websites etc...).
What's bittersweet about it is I know it just won't likely to happen, even though I want to make something work - I just feel that from experience and from logic - it just won't work. I'm scared to even go there cuz I don't want to be someone to possibly hurt someone's feelings if things don't go according to plan. I lack real life 'relationship' experiences because I have yet to go out on a date yet - and that's a fact (and it's not because I don't want to, I just didn't find someone I find special yet here/locally).
But yeah that sketch is a reflection of what I've written for the past five to ten minutes, and strangely enough I feel a little happier expressing it for once.
Keep on inspiring everyone! There are some very special people out there and I just want to thank them for their creativity, brilliance and grace in just... Well... 'Sharing'.